Do Black Folk Blush?

I went to client intakes last night. The supervising attorney and another male student started a love, relationship, when you gone get married? conversation. And for some odd reason my love life, or lack thereof, became the hot topic.

“So when are you getting married?”

*blank stare*

(First of all, I think asking a single woman when she’s getting married should be on the Never Ask A Woman This Question, Unless You Want to Get Cursed the Fuck Out list...and it belongs right under “How old are you?” “When are you expecting?” and “How much do you weigh?”)

But I played it off, or so I thought…

The problem is, the supervising attorney knows Deondre (and if you don’t know Deondre, than be thankful you don’t…no, really…dude is like my Big and I’m his Carrie and literally it’ll be 10 years before we have a fairy tale wedding, or wait…didn’t Big leave her at the alter the first go around?)

I don’t know who characterized my “special un-named boo” as THE ONE but omg…how easily Pandora’s box is opened.

Both men started trying to decode THE ONE into a name. So I completely denied there even being a “special un-named boo” that one day will become THE ONE…huge mistake.

The supervising attorney took this denial as an admission and stated, “So there isn’t anyone in particular”.

(Notice I wrote stated…because that’s what dude did. He didn’t ask a question, because why ask a question you already know the answer to…asshole!)

I wanted to shout NO but I didn’t want to portray Deondre as unimportant, because the truth is I’m head over heels for this man. Like in love with. Like I’d marry and have children with. Like, I’d even put a baby on board sticker in the car just for him…

this is SERIOUS shit people!

Next thing I know, I’m allegedly blushing and fidgeting in my seat. Now, I swear I didn’t blush. The only hint of color upon my cheeks was Nars Taj Mahal, but Darling said she saw this glow appear upon my face that gave the “special un-named boo” away.

“It’s so obvious you like him. Like, love him. I never knew until tonight how much you care about him.”

So intakes ended, 9pm morphed into 2am and I found myself blushing and fidgeting underneath my sheets. I couldn’t stop thinking about Deondre and what we don’t have, what we have, and what I want us to have by 2011.

I have all these hopes and borderline expectations (which I know he can’t achieve short of a miracle). I want to be with this man, but I know its not our time because he's MARRIED.

Married to his job. Apparently the marriage is going well because he was recently promoted to felonies, not to mention dude leaves for JAG in October. His career timeline extends each year, and I don’t see a relationship in the near future.

I don’t think he can make time, more importantly, I don’t think he WANTS to make time for us until he’s settled in his career. Which means what?

After he’s stationed?

Or before he’s deployed in two years?

Or after he returns and renews his contract with the military?

Like really, when will it ever end. When will he ever stop and realize that what we don’t have, what we have, and what I want us to have by 2011 is the BEST thing he’ll ever stumble upon.

So I’ve made the declaration to stop talking to him. To let him do his thing, and I’ll do mine. That maybe after I study for the bar, take it, pass both NY and NJ…after he leaves for basic training, is stationed God knows where, is deployed to Iraq…we’ll meet up again and he’ll tell me that I’m THE ONE and I’ll finally have a reason to blush and fidget.