Thursday, February 4, 2010

M-I-A..305..Dade County Stand Up!



I guess online dating is the new thing. Why hone your social skills when you can stalk people while masturbating at your computer desk.

I recently reactivated my online stalking account, and again have become victim to a vast SEA of online losers.

Maybe loser isn’t the best way to describe miaflman1 who writes (and so eloquently I must add):

hmm so r u sexy and i hope u dont wear bads lol…yeah i put in work and im good at it when i do. i could go on and on but u may not can handle what i have to offer…so what time is ur curfew and when could u get away? u look like u may have a nice ass lol but hmmm dont know lmao

There’s a lot going on in this message. Grammatically, I’m offended but what struck me as inappropriate was him stating that I LOOK like I have a nice ass but he’s not sure.

Exactly what does that mean? Like, is that a challenge? Am I supposed to meet him at Starbucks, go to his crib, and show him how nice my ass actually is?

And let us not forget, “i hope you dont wear bads lol”. As I said, grammatical errors aside, it’s just plain lazy to not capitalize “I”…and “dont”…like you have to work real hard to escape the apostrophe. Literally, I have to correctly spell the word then press delete then retype it in order to fuck it up. Maybe Apple strives to ensure its users don’t offend other online prey, but its quite obvious dude needs to upgrade his computer/phone/internet browser ASAmuthfuckin’P

So after getting over that, I’m like bads *blank stare*.

WTF?

Does he mean bad or B.A.D.? I’m not so sure, and based on his disregard for spell check I’m questioning whether he’s asking me if I wear pads which is beyond inappropriate. Thank God I passed the fifth grade and can guess based on the context of his previous grammatical errors that he’s hoping I don’t wear big ass drawers. Again, *blank stare*.

Then the negro has the nerve to tell me I can’t handle anymore of his fucked up typing skills…oh wait, I mean handle his dick. No motherfucka I “may not can handle” what you have to offer because obviously you ain’t offering shit that I can understand. If you’re too lazy to read over your seductive message then I’m sure you fuck like a lazy piece of shit or probably can’t get your lazy dick hard!

WTF?

Is that how we do in Dade County? We challenge a woman’s skills, looks, and sexual experience in order to convince her that capitalization and commas are never important even though the only thing I can base your level of intellect on thus far (since hey buddy this is online) are your messages that I’m forced to copy and paste into Word, click spell check, and proceed from there.

My home girl told me to calm down. Dude was probably in a rush. He just types like he talks. I’m sure he’s better in person.

Is she blind? Dude obviously needs to revert back to person on person contact because typing his thoughts isn’t exactly his forte.

All I heard between her excuses was *womp womp womp* the dude fucks as fast and sloppy as he types. He eats pussy like he types, which means he’ll probably gnaw my clit off or worse be unable to find it.

So no more miaflman1, and as I always tell people to do when their existence is a complete census waste, “Kill Yourself”.

I'm In Miami Trick!




I’m not going to start posting pictures of Reggie Bush or anything, but for all y’all who don’t know…the Super Bowl is in MIAMI this weekend. Yay! Time to partay!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Past Can Set You Free

From here on out, Wednesdays are all about What The Fuck...

It can be What The Fuck…is she wearing?

What The Fuck…is that smell?

What The Fuck…am I going to do with my life?

Or my favorite, What The Fuck…was I thinking?

So to start off, here is an excerpt from my diary (unedited) that really screams WHAT THE FUCK.

It started with a sex message last week. Something along the lines of I want your dick in my mouth. He responded. What man wouldn’t? I should’ve known that very instant that something was up. A man that can respond to sex messages within 10 minutes but ignores “I miss you” is NOT the man for me. But I continued to seduce him with my messages because I’m horny and need to get some dick! And since his DICK has been on the menu for 5 years, I feel its imperative to order and be served an infinite amount of *** DICK (no matter what the cost…).

So we made a sex date for this week.

Dude still wants to fuck me raw, and because I’m completely stupid and utterly in love and have no idea what I’m doing, I oblige his dick and desires by popping my last supply of birth control the moment my flow begins.

I vowed while with the ex to NEVER take that shit again, but with *** I’m open and willing to do anything. The problem is, why am I willing to put my life and health into his hands but I still don’t trust or believe everything he says. What kind of shit is that? I’m educated…book sense, common sense, and know well enough that having unprotected sex with a man who is consistently inconsistent is the worse thing I could ever do in my life, but I still want to.

*end scene*

Yes, I know. You’re screaming at the monitor “What The Fuck!” But hey…sometimes it be like that. Don’t act like you ain’t never let someone hit it raw, hit it raw, or thought twice about not using a condom.

And the birth control stunt is so 90’s, so I’m sure my trick didn’t throw you off. The only thing thrown off by that shit was my damn cycle. After popping them pills, Flow came to visit for TWO damn weeks.

To me therapy is the attempted remediation of a problem, and writing in my diary is just that. It allows me the chance to remember my insane thoughts/desires, so I can later access the situation with a clear mind, heart, and non-throbbing clitoris.

This entry is in no way recent, but SOME of the feelings are still there. It’s so easy to forget what you wore last week, or why you and a friend got into a heated argument, or how head or heels, lost, and blinded you were over a guy.

You remember the crazy shit he did. The shit that pissed you off. Turned you on. Made you cry.

But it’s all to easy to forget the crazy shit you wanted to do with him. Vacations. Marriage. Babies. Unprotected Sex.

It’s like that cliché: How can you know where you’re going, if you don’t know where you came from?

So what I’m saying is, try to remember what you came from so you can either maintain or change and then eventually move on; otherwise your version of therapy doesn’t involve fixing the problem since you can’t remember what the fuck really happened. Its just you forgetting your mistakes and reliving them with another person.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Yo Dramtical Ass

Debate.

Argue.

Bitch.

Moan.

Complain.

Women do it all the damn time.

My favorite line is: nigga you ain’t shit, and you ain’t neva gone be shit.

Love it! Nothing like beating a black man down when he’s already low from a hard day working for the man, riiight?

I think women argue about nothing because the usual relationship conversation is too monotonous. Discussing our day at work/school and planning our usual movie/dinner weekend date is BORING. Necessary but *snooze*.

So to add some spice to the relationship we take the discussion about being busy with work/school to mean he’s cheating and next thing you know chick is shouting: nigga you ain’t shit, and you ain’t neva gone be shit!

When asked why women argue about stupid shit or shit that doesn’t even exist, a friend admitted that she does it because she likes a little DRAMA in her relationship.

Personally, I do it because I like to be in control, and the moment I feel like I’m not wearing the pants I freak and start screaming: nigga you ain’t shit, and you ain’t neva gone be shit! Plus, what better way to establish the dominant/subservient roles in a relationship than by making your partner feel insecure with his manhood, duh!

Problem is, grown ass men with careers know they are the shit, and will never be anything less…so telling them otherwise doesn’t really add “good” drama to the relationship. It just proves that you’re not as “grown” as you claim to be.

It seems the only time “nigga you ain’t shit, and you ain’t neva gone be shit!” is appropriate is when the dude is truly a complete loser and worth being cut from your team (even if he didn’t cheat).

I’m trying to get my friend to understand that her dude isn’t a punk. That all this good drama is going to run him into the arms of a woman who will silently deal with her insecurities and let a man be a man (even if he ain't shit half the time).

So for 2010, no more drama.

I'm Horny

I’m on a sexual roller coaster. Like, one week I want to fuck almost every dark skin man in sight. Next week, I’m like “Naw, I’m straight”.

But today…tonight…at this very moment…

I WANNA FUCK!

Night!

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Time To Celebrate Me!

Even though February is the shortest month of the year, to me it’s the BEST month of the year…why you ask?

Well HELLO!! My birthday is on the 22nd! This year truly marks a turning point. I’ll be 25 with a J.D., in April I’ll be moving relocating somewhere and taking someone's bar exam, starting my career, paying (more life deferring) my student loans, and becoming even more fabulous than I already am.

Here’s a peek into my schedule:

Sade returns: 9th
Valentine’s Day: 14th
Trial Time: 15th
25th birthday: 22nd
DC Conference: 23-25th
ATL Freakum Dress Weekend: 26-27th (its more like the Flying Biscuit Weekend… my roommate and I are more excited about eating there than clubbing on Spring Street…damn, I love that city and them cheese grits!)

Cheaters Never Prosper?

Type in cheat and the synonyms provided are: deceive, trick, con, swindle, defraud, bamboozle, take advantage of, etc…

So if you’re fucking someone, but have escaped the “What Are We” conversation and no titles, boundaries, or rules have been established, when you fuck someone else is it considered cheating?

Did you deceive anyone?

Have you taken advantage of the “in limbo” status?

Has your partner been bamboozled?

Readers, how can you hold someone responsible for conning you out of a relationship that never really existed?

What Exactly Are the Elements of Cheating?

Jody: You got my son and you'll probably be my wife. You want me to be honest?
Yvette: Yeah, I do.
Jody: You're my woman. Them other hos is tricks. I make love to you, I want to be with you, but I fuck other females occasionally. I don't know why, I just do. That's the situation. You feel better now? That's some honesty for you. Deal with it.
(Baby Boy 2001...got to appreciate ghetto love at it’s finest)

Dayum Jody, why you gots to be so trill! Truth is, women cheat too. I’ve cheated twice actually. Once physically, the other emotionally. I’m guessing the latter is worse, considering now I’m in love with the other man and my ex is well…my ex.

I’m not sure who cheats best, but I can definitely say the term “cheating” should only be afforded to two people who have verbally agreed to be in a monogamous relationship (and don’t get me started on the term monogamy and is infinite implausibilty). So if broken down, cheating would be:

Two people
In a relationship
Who verbally agree
To NOT fuck anyone else
So if one element is missing, it can’t be considered cheating.

For instance, my home girl found out her friend slept with another woman. She was livid. Vowed never to speak to him again. Deleted his number. Resaved it but changed his ringtone to Regrets by LeToya Luckett.

Her friend obviously dodged the “What Are We” conversation and no titles, boundaries, or rules were established.

So my thing is, did dude really cheat?

Like, there needs to be another word for people who are only fucking, but believe they are only fucking each other (even though that rule hasn’t been established either), and step out to fuck someone else.

The real problem is, folk need to stop entering into these quasi-relationships with no definition, and try to define everything only after someone fucks up. If dude isn’t your boyfriend, then why can’t he fuck someone else?

No it’s not nice or fair or safe, but umm…you can’t curse him out, accuse him of cheating, and claim he can’t be trusted because he fucked another chick when you were NEVER his girlfriend.

And I know, some people abhor the titles boyfriend/girlfriend, because what do they really mean? The only thing some consider a viable status is engaged and married. And I totally understand, but perception is a beast and if I perceive being your girlfriend and you being my boyfriend as something special, sacred, monogamous…then shit, that’s what it is!

Lovely always warns me: don’t ever let a man get away with never establishing what y’all are. No man wants to have the dreaded conversation where he’s faced with cutting off his other bust its to knight you as his only and number one, but hey…shit be like that sometimes.

Thing is women know this, so to keep the man around we avoid the conversation or let him shirk away from the responsibility of claiming you outside of the bedroom. Next thing you know, the nigga fucks up and you want to cry, curse, and blame him.

But my dear, you can only blame yourself for subjecting your heart to a quasi-relationship where the crime of cheating does NOT exist.

Maybe he can be charged with lying after he’s asked about said mentioned girl and denies her existence and/or their sexual relationship…but people lie every day, and lying doesn’t get you a stunning 8-carat purple diamond ring worth about $4 million (oh wait, neither does cheating…you need to be charged with rape for that mess to happen).

So stop fucking dude, become his girlfriend and then come holla at me about how the nigga ain’t shit, otherwise I don’t want to hear it.