So Long, Farewell, Auf Weidersehen, Goodbye!

So whom else have I decided to let go this year…

Well I wouldn’t really characterize my next move as "letting go" but perhaps as an Ultimate Cleanse. My ex-trainer diagnosed my weight lost as my need to shit more. That based on my body type I only lose weight by daily cardio and daily excrement. So she recommended this thing called the Ultimate Cleanse; and living up to its name, my intestines were ultimately cleansed.

So realizing how good life is and how clear my skin is after a good detox, I thought…shit, maybe my personal life could use a dose of cleansing. Perhaps the toxic family members and friends need to be removed from my daily existence and flushed away for good.

So first to go was my mother…now don’t get me wrong, I heart the woman, admire her perseverance and unshakable faith, but damn! the woman is fucking CRAZY!

Like, its not even menopause crazy, she's always been this way. I remember vividly (which is so rare) being in private school and her dropping me off in front of the playground. I remember going into the Parrish hall, sitting on the dirty wooden floor, and crying while muttering how much I hated her.

And nothing has changed since then.

I hate to use the word hate, but sometimes I can’t think of anything else to describe how I feel about her. It truly is a love/hate/hate relationship.

So I realized upon bringing in the New Year, that I've been in a relationship with my mother since...well, birth.

That I had made the huge mistake of giving my heart to a person who was not worth trusting.

I gave that woman everything, all of me.

All my love went to her, and it left none for my father. All I had for him was the yearly holiday phone call.

I relied on her for everything, and she turned on me.

It was as though I had given myself to a man who had shown all the tell tale signs of being consistently inconsistent; yet ignoring them because he was all I had and because he was all I ever wanted to know.

So the bitch completely lost her mind over the break. Well actually, she’s been losing her mind since my childhood, but shit just became ridic over the Christmas break.

I loathe the holidays because of her. I’m flooded with the thought of no tree, no presents, no eggnog, no holiday cheer, no sign of holiday love, no family, no dinner, no carols, just Carol’s crazy ass constantly berating the commercialized holiday and my belief of Santa himself.

She called me on Christmas Eve to remind me that SHE was all I had.

And she was right…and it made me realize that if she was everything, if she was the only thing I could cling to in a moment of depression and despair, than a bottle of gin and prescription drugs would suit my emotions better.

I wanted more than a crazy ass mother who treated me like an ATM, and banged upon me when told I was out of order and out of money.

I wanted my other family. I wanted a father, a mother figure who was reasonable, and siblings who looked up to me as though I were the truth. I wanted a real fucking Christmas!

I politely told her that if family, meaning her, was all I had then I didn’t have much and that it was sad.

She quoted a few scriptures, told me about myself, and of course finished the call with her infamous, “I love you and God bless you”.

BITCH!

But despite her evil ways, I got a real fucking Christmas that included a tree and family and dinner and spiked eggnog and PRESENTS and carols!

It was absolutely wonderful. I fell in love this Christmas with my other side of my family, the side I’ve been told my entire life was not worth trusting, was not worth visiting, was not worth my time.

I’ve decided to let her toxic ass go…to let her know that she is NOT all that I have. I have wonderful friends, I have a family that wants to help me and is there when I need them, and I have my fucking sanity back.

So the lesson that giving your heart to someone has been learned. I thought it would come from a man who had broken his promises and shitted on everything we called scared, but it came from a woman who is too consumed with her own regret that she can’t even see that her only child has let her go for good.