Four years ago I wanted to learn Creole.
I wanted to visit Haiti.
I wanted to master cooking griot and sos pwa.
I wanted to grow my Nia Long hair cut, cover my tattoos, and wear skirts to church.
I wanted to immerse myself in my boyfriend's culture to the point where his old school Pentecostal mother would forget that I was American.
An American girl with relaxed hair. Who rocked makeup (flawless makeup I might add lol). Had piercings. Wore pants. And wanted to be a lawyer rather than a nurse.
I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend, and in the process completely lost myself.
We secretly lived together and three months into the residential lie, while plating his dinner I realized the domesticated ME was a complete façade.
I realized that I hated cooking his meals.
Hated wearing weave because his mother thought short hair was demonic.
Hated the sound of his language (only because he spoke mad Creole in my presence even though he knew damn well I ain't understand it).
Hated fucking him.
And most of all, I hated that rather than walk away from their lifestyle and the lies I created, I served him dinner and convinced myself that being content was as good as it gets.
I wasted nearly $2,000 on hair that wasn't even mine. I wasted countless nights moaning his name, when all I wanted to do was lie on my back and fall asleep. I wasted two years of my life being content when I deserved to be ME.
I wanted to visit Haiti.
I wanted to master cooking griot and sos pwa.
I wanted to grow my Nia Long hair cut, cover my tattoos, and wear skirts to church.
I wanted to immerse myself in my boyfriend's culture to the point where his old school Pentecostal mother would forget that I was American.
An American girl with relaxed hair. Who rocked makeup (flawless makeup I might add lol). Had piercings. Wore pants. And wanted to be a lawyer rather than a nurse.
I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend, and in the process completely lost myself.
We secretly lived together and three months into the residential lie, while plating his dinner I realized the domesticated ME was a complete façade.
I realized that I hated cooking his meals.
Hated wearing weave because his mother thought short hair was demonic.
Hated the sound of his language (only because he spoke mad Creole in my presence even though he knew damn well I ain't understand it).
Hated fucking him.
And most of all, I hated that rather than walk away from their lifestyle and the lies I created, I served him dinner and convinced myself that being content was as good as it gets.
I wasted nearly $2,000 on hair that wasn't even mine. I wasted countless nights moaning his name, when all I wanted to do was lie on my back and fall asleep. I wasted two years of my life being content when I deserved to be ME.
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4 comments:
I'm glad you found yourself, you only have one life to live so make sure you live it for yourself :] If people aren't happy with the way you are, then they don't deserve you.
I totally agree with you. He soooo didn't deserve all that is fantabulous me. Guess you have to compromise yourself a few times before you realize your complete worth.
Like you said, at least I am found...some folk are still lost :(
My Lord. I was this person with my ex. We didn't go on for as long (thank GOD!) because he was in the Navy. But I put in the weave and rocked name brand clothing and bought lacy booty shorts that he didn't even know WHAT to do with because thats what the Puerto Reefa (I said it!) chick he was actually in love with would have done. I tried to be like those light skinned, biracial, popular chicks that he was so in love with knowing damn well I should have loved myself more. But love is a hell of a drug. It even had me settling for shitty sex, just like you:(
But thank God you learned to love YOU more. Now you can do YOU and get in all the good sex you deserve, suga! Ha!
~*Pie*
I don't know what's worst, changing myself for a man and his family or losing my damn ORGASM in the process!
Well I'm glad you realized your worth. Save the lace booty shorts for the next man who will appreciate you in them as YOURSELF...and know how to rip them things off and tear that pussy up.
Yay for self worth and good sex!
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